Tantric Sex and Intimacy with Justin Gottlieb

In this Episode

• [02:21]Justin explains how spirituality and sexuality are interconnected.
• [05:24]How to bring a certain spiritual level of sexuality into a couple’s relationship.
• [08:37]After clarifying the difference between self-pleasure and masturbation, Justin explains one of the practices he teaches women.
• [11:00]Stephan shares what he has learned from Kabbalah, while Justin discusses sexuality from a more conscious perspective.
• [17:38]First Pillar of Tantra: Finding self-love begins with asking yourself the right questions.
• [19:41]When it comes to his partner, how does Stephan consciously put his sexual energy at play?
• [20:39]The importance of relationship dynamics and the essence of true love. How can you keep yourself safe in a relationship?
• [23:17]Second Pillar of Tantra: How does tantra resonate with self-acceptance?
• [30:59]Third and Fourth Pillar of Tantra: Justin speaks about presence and connection as pillars of tantra, prompting Stephan to relate his learning about trees and their souls.
• [40:55]What does Justin do to help his clients expand their orgasms?
• [42:58]Justin describes his experience at a Quodoushka retreat.
• [52:17]Stephan and Justin discuss chakras and how they connect us to higher realms.
• [54:13]Justin talks about his tantra sessions with clients and appearing on Jersey Shore.
• [60:43]Check out Justin’s website at tantralovecoach.com and his Instagram account @tantralovecoach to learn more about tantra and to connect with him.

Jump to Links and Resources

Justin, it’s so great to have you on the show.

Thank you, Stephan. It’s a pleasure to be here.

It’s great to have you. Let’s talk about sex. I started this podcast in 2015, with the first episode about sex. It was Jaiya, the famous sexologist who’s now on Sex, Love & Goop. She’s blown up. She was big back then. That was my very first episode.

I don’t have a lot of episodes about sex. I’ve got plenty about biohacking and spirituality. However, it’s interesting that you can have this dovetailing of sex and spirituality, and I’d love to start there and see where we can go with this episode. Isn’t there a crossover between these two concepts, or do you see them completely separate?

Not only is there a crossover. I would say they’re on the same circuit. One of my favorite books, Jewel in the Lotus, says that sexuality and spirituality are two sides of the same coin. 

If you look at things from a spiritual perspective, we’re doing a lot of breathing up. We start from the lower chakras from the root and the sacral—the sexual, the primal, the earthly—and what do we typically do? We try to move that energy upwards.

When we get to the heart chakra, and we get to our hearts even when we’re not in the spiritual realm, just like you’re choosing from your heart, so your heart is not a lower or an upper chakra. It’s a hinge. It’s like the moment when you decide.

Then you move upward even further. Then you get to the third eye and the crown chakra. This is where we’re a little more in the spiritual realm, like the higher realms. Not that the lower realms are good or bad or anything. It’s just that it’s all one. It’s all to be accepted by us as it is.

As we get up there, you start to feel the divinity of it all, but it’s not that they’re separate. Unfortunately, many religions and other things we’ve been taught throughout our early years have told us that sexuality is over here. “Keep it in the bedroom, keep it private, don’t touch yourself, don’t have sex until you are married, et cetera.” What that does is it creates shame and guilt around it.

Now, we think we have to go to these places like churches or whatever to be spiritual, to speak to God, when we could speak to God in the bedroom and in our own self-pleasure rituals.

There’s this concept that, when I first heard of it, it was electric for me. It was just a passing comment. It was actually from Loral Langemeier. She is not known as a spiritual guru, but she does have a book published by Hay House. Her area of focus is financial success and helping people become millionaires and multi-millionaires. 

She just had this passing comment when I was at one of her events years ago that you can call in your baby. Just ask the baby to show up when you’re in this amazing, intimate moment with your partner and you intend to create life or facilitate the creation of life. Ask. So powerful and so simple.

When you are making love with your partner and intend to bring life into the world, there’s no greater, more important thing for you to do. Nothing.

Let’s talk a bit more about how to bring this kind of spiritual level of sexuality into your life regularly. What practices and principles do you want to share with our listeners?

Our sacred sexual energy is the energy we were created from and can create at any moment.

One of the things I’ll just piggyback off what you’re saying is setting an intention before having sex or even self-pleasure. You don’t need a partner to be tantric to do any of these things. In fact, our sacred sexual energy is the energy we were created from and can create at any moment. It doesn’t need to be used just to create a baby or an orgasm. 

Tantric teaches us that we can create anything we want. We are the master manifestors. We are the gods and the goddesses. We are creating our own reality at every moment. So why not use that to create something else when we are most creative in our sexual state?

That could be to gather, to call in a baby. It could also be used to call in wealth, abundance, the lover of your dreams, in health to cure yourself of an ailment. So there are no limits. That’s one thing that tantra really focuses on. We typically put limits on ourselves, whether it’s our ability to manifest or even our pleasure.

If you were to try to manifest something in your life—let’s say financial success, some breakthrough in your wealth—I know that there’s a whole chapter in Think and Grow Rich from Napoleon Hill about sexual transmutation, harnessing your sexual energy and applying it to being more abundant financially, more prosperous. 

I believe what he was talking about—I don’t remember exactly the details—is you want to capture that essence of your spiritual power, direct it, and not be unintentional about it.

A lot of people who are addicted to porn are not being intentional with directing that powerful sexual energy that has this spiritual essence to it. They’re making it all about the physical and perhaps even objectifying women.

I don’t find that to be healthy. I personally don’t watch porn. I don’t masturbate. I don’t have an interest in doing stuff that is outside of my inner knowing and what my heart leads me to be and do in the world. I know you’ve already mentioned self-pleasure several times. 

Tantra is freeing energy and expanding consciousness to help people live an exceptional life. Share on X

How do you reconcile those two concepts of no shame and guilt in self-pleasuring yourself? But then, I think it’s healthiest to be more intentional and spiritual with your sexual energy and not just aimlessly or lustfully spill your seed. I’m curious to hear your thoughts on that.

I agree, and you touched on a little bit where it’s like, it’s really about your intention, it’s about your inner guidance, it’s about whether you are coming from a conscious place in from your heart or are you doing it for other reasons?

I coach a lot of men who have different sexual dysfunctions or addictions. They don’t want that if they’re conscious. If you’re unconscious, you don’t care. You’re just doing it. You’re watching tons of porn, and you’re ejaculating multiple times a day. Your life maybe even taking a back seat to your sexual desires or urges, and maybe spending money in ways that you don’t really want to if you’re being conscious of it. That’s a realm where there are issues.

But I’m talking about coming from a conscious space of “okay, my body feels horny right now, and I want to explore that. I want to manifest with my sexual energy, and I will set an intention to do XYZ. I’m going to pleasure myself.”

Now, there’s a difference between self-pleasure and masturbation. Self-pleasure is being in this divine state of enjoying the pleasure and seeing what shows up. Whereas masturbation, in the most typical sense, is “I’m going to play with my genitals until I have an orgasm,” and for men, typically, “I’m going to ejaculate, and I’m going to go on with my day.”

There’s a difference between self-pleasure and masturbation.

A lot of times, I find that masturbation typically moves from a state of “I’m avoiding something, I’m procrastinating something, I need to get a quick, good feeling because I’m unhappy, I’m lonely,” et cetera.

Whereas self-pleasure could be standing in front of a mirror, looking at yourself in the nude, and just ticking yourself in and honoring your body. It could be honoring your genitals. 

I teach women about Yoni Gazing, a beautiful practice of just gazing into the vagina. “Yoni” means sacred space and source. It’s a beautiful Sanskrit word for vagina. 

You also can pleasure yourself by touching your body in the shower and not even focusing on your genitals. And if you get very aroused and it goes there, that’s okay. There’s no shame in having an experience that turns into an ejaculation, an orgasm, or whatever it may be. But you’re doing it consciously, and you’re doing it because you’re being guided that way by the Divine, by your heart, by your conscious mind, not by anything else.

This is interesting because I learned in Kabbalah that there was Lilith before Eve. Lilith is kind of like the queen of demons. She sends her minions out to steal seeds from men who are masturbating, and they make these demons from that. It’s in this tiny, tiny, tiny amount. 

I know this might sound fantastical, but there is a lot of really magical and real stuff in Kabbalah. Take what works for you or what is helpful, regardless of whether it’s Kabbalah or some other spiritual or religious modality, and discard the rest. Don’t use what doesn’t work for you. This is something I learned in Kabbalah, and I’m curious to hear your take on that because that goes very contrary to what you just said. 

Conversely, when you have really virtuous and pure thoughts, words, and deeds, you create positive angels. Very positive, powerful angels that can assist you. Every time you say a kind word, every time you have a nice intention to do something for others, and you follow through with that if you’re doing all three in concert—the pure thought, word, and deed—amazing.

You maybe have an ill intention, or you don’t really mean it, but you just want to look good, so it looks like you’re doing positive action and you’re saying a positive word, but you don’t really like the person, and you’re not letting on, now you’re creating mischievous angels that will lie to you, and they’re not terribly helpful. There’s a mix of good and bad in there.

I know, pretty out there for some of us, but I’d love to hear, Justin, what your thoughts are on that.

I want people to come from their truth.

I’m glad you asked because, again, you mentioned in my intro I rebel against societal norms. I really want people to come from their truth. There isn’t one answer for everyone, so don’t get me wrong there. 

But there’s a huge subset of tantra in the realm that I work and play in that is about semen retention. They’ll tell you, you should not be ejaculating, and many of them will be not ejaculating for months and months at a time. There’s a whole thought process. There’s the science. There’s everything around it.

In fact, it’s a biohacking thing, isn’t it? Dave Asprey says, according to science and research, biological processes and stuff they’ve studied, retaining your semen for at least 10–14 days, something like that, for somebody who’s middle-aged, it depends on your age. The older you get, the more you should retain it for your health. I have heard that as well. Please proceed.

And there could be some benefits to that. Now, I think it’s like the pendulum is swung too far. I speak to most men. I say, “how many times do you masturbate?” Some are saying once or twice, or three times a day.

Now, that’s happening, and you’re ejaculating that much. I would say that would be on the other end of the spectrum. Of course, with people’s sexual addictions, it’s many more than that. That, I would say, is probably not a healthy thing to be doing.

But if you’re having beautiful tantric sex with your partner, and you’re ejaculating, and you’re using condoms or whatever you’re doing is in a safe way, or maybe you’re trying to have a baby, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

Now, that’s my personal opinion. I’m not doing all the research on this. I’m just sharing what works for me and what I like to share with people because sometimes it gets too extreme.

Now, you created this goal that honestly (I think) it goes if you believe in God and how we were created, a bit against our biology. We are able to ejaculate every 20 minutes? I don’t think that was a mistake. I don’t think we were meant to be able to spread our seed, procreate, and do all the things we’re created to do. And now we’re going to say, “No, no, no. Don’t do that.” We’re going to decide that it’s only every three months that you should do that.

Again, somewhere in between these extremes is the thing that’s going to work for you. I just don’t like anyone saying to me, “You don’t do this. You’re bad.” Of course, all these theories and things come about, but I’m going to experiment and see what works for me. 

For me, being able to ejaculate occasionally feels really good, especially when I’m with my woman. I don’t want to be sitting there going to my head, “Oh no, no. I got to stop. I have to make sure I don’t do this.”

Now, you can also learn how to transmute that energy and have an injaculation as a man. I do think that it’s a lot rarer to be able to do that than people say and think. And I think it also becomes this spiritually bypassed like, “I’ve reached some level. I don’t like that when it comes to spirituality. That I haven’t ejaculated this long, I had these full-body workouts.” Since then, it’s like you need to get here, too.

I’m really much more trying to come from a place where it’s all love, and we can create the perfect lives we want. However, that may come around with sexuality from a conscious space.

Good thoughts. I love what you’re saying about being more about what works and what’s workable rather than what’s right or wrong because your heart knows. Drop in your heart, get out of your head, get into your heart, and if it feels good, in tune, and aligned, then you’re probably on the right path. 

But if it feels off, like, “I don’t know if I should be going on this porn site. I got to delete my history afterwards and all that.” Your heart’s not saying, “oh, this is amazing. We’re on track here. We’re on the path.” No. You’re saying, “oh, this is making me uncomfortable because I don’t want to get caught.”

It’s just not workable if your partner catches you and the stuff does end up getting caught, because by design in this game of life you’re meant to stumble, get caught, learn from your mistakes, do things differently, grow, and evolve because of it. This is all designed.

Are you doing things that serve you? Do you feel worthy of love?

It is a good point in what you’re saying, like how good does it feel in your heart and is what you’re doing serving you? That’s part of my definition of self-love. Are you doing things in your life that serve you? Then secondly, do you feel that you’re worthy of love? Do you really love it? Do you get love in that way? That’s an important thing to keep in mind in whatever you’re doing.

There’s also wisdom in your sex. We talked about womb wisdom for women. Women can really tap into their wombs. There’s guidance and divinity in there. That is the portal where life comes from. The woman puts her hands on her womb and just closes her eyes and breathes. There will be something that comes through the womb.

For men, we don’t necessarily have a womb, of course, but we may have an energetic womb. We may have a space there that we can also tap into that gives us some guidance. I think and I know from my personal experience that after I ejaculate or as I’m ejaculating, it is the clearest I am because it’s the only time I feel it. 

There’s nothing in my mind. I am just a vessel because, before that, there’s sexuality, there’s energy. I’m thinking I’m with this beautiful goddess and all this stuff is going on. Maybe I’m able to clear that a little bit, but then boom. And then after ejaculation or if you’re having an orgasm without ejaculation, where it all is coming back, and now you’re back down to earth. 

And now you’re looking at that porn site, and you go, “oh no. If that’s the feeling you’re getting after this divine experience, likely what you were masturbating to or whatever you were doing doesn’t serve you. Now, not good, bad, or wrong, but it probably doesn’t serve you. 

But if you come out of that experience and you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re just feeling divine, amazing. Or maybe you look into the eyes of your lover and you are just like in heaven. Now, maybe what you were doing sexually or whatever is serving you. That’s a good indicator that your sexuality can also provide divine guidance and give you direction into what you’re doing and what you’re going to do.

Our sexuality is an important part of our life, fueling every other area of our lives.

Our sexual energy or sexuality, our relationships, love, self-love, all of that is such an important part of our life, and it’s a fuel to every other area of our lives, whether it’s our careers, family or whatever it may be.

But we put so little effort into really consciously thinking about it and planning it. So many people I know just got into relationships, and maybe they’re with the right person, or maybe they’re not. But do they really think about what they want for their life when it comes to relationships when it comes to sexuality?

What I do is I really help people come back into their hearts and say like, ok, well, is this the relationship dynamic I ever wanted? I know way too many men, especially some women, who don’t want to be in monogamous relationships. They never really wanted to, but they just defaulted into monogamy because that’s what it was. And now they feel stuck. 

But they really feel stuck because they aren’t able to communicate with their partner about what their desires are. It’s a whole nother realm of being able to understand that I can tell my partner what I feel, even if you maybe got past what you think to be a point of no return and be able to work things out. 

That, to me, is true love. Being able to communicate fully and openly, not having to hide things, and then being able to work through whatever comes up in that, whether it’s shadow work and different things that may trigger you but being able to move past that. That’s relationships and that’s just one aspect of it, the dynamic. What kind of lifestyle do you want to have, et cetera, and then also on sexuality? 

So many people aren’t exploring what their true fantasies are. Or, even more formally, what are their boundaries? How many people are getting steamrolled in their own sex life because they’re not sharing and openly even thinking about their boundaries? 

To be able to have boundaries and also to be able to share desires keep us safe.

These two areas are so important because that’s what keeps us safe. To be able to have boundaries and also to be able to share desires and allow us to use this beautiful body and this vessel, we have to explore our five senses. It’s part of why we’re here. To be able to feel safe is going to allow our bodies to be able to do all the magical things that they can. 

Too many people (again) aren’t doing that. That’s why the work that I do, whether you’re coming in from the realm of tantra or coaching or whatever it is, is so important for people to access nowadays.

You coach people on tantra. What does that mean? What’s a tantra coach, and how does that manifest changes in their lives over the course of months or maybe even years that you work with a client?

A tantra coach coaches with the foundation of the teachings of tantra. What is tantra? Tantra has a lot of Sanskrit and esoteric definitions—expansion, weaving, doctrine—a lot of different words for the same word. It confuses people. 

I teach more on modern tantra. I want to have people understand it and walk away from my experiences and sessions, knowing this is what tantra is. But not only in their mind but also in their body. I do a lot of bodywork, which we can get into. 

From a coaching aspect, tantra are these things: self-love, self-acceptance, presence, and connection. Self-love I mentioned before. Are you doing things in your life that serve you, and are you allowing love in and to be loved and to understand unconditional love?

Self-acceptance is accepting all within you. I will coach my clients to be fully accountable for everything that happens in their life and all that they are. That means accepting your sexuality, even your deepest, darkest, horny fantasies. You get to accept them. That doesn’t mean you get to do them, but you get to accept them and see what is happening under them. Where there’s horniness, there’s healing. There’s something to look at when you are being horny. 

Also, you get to accept your body. We cannot be walking around as well with this body going, “I hate my breasts. I don’t like my belly fat.” If you do that, you are resisting the divine. You’re resisting what is going on. Your hands are not free to create new possibilities because you’re pressing up against that which is.

Instead, you can have your hands free. You can take a breath. You can do all different sorts of exercises which I coach people on to come into full self-acceptance.

The other side of self-acceptance is accepting our emotions.

The other side of self-acceptance is also accepting all of our emotions. That means accepting greed, hate, anger, and all of these things that come out through us that we want to rid ourselves of. Well, I’m sorry. You’re not going to have a good time ridding yourself of anger. It’s part of the human experience. You’re going to get angry. But to accept that anger and to invite it to the table with all of your other emotions that you like—your happiness, your joy, and all these little things—that is the first step to truly becoming tantric.

Self-acceptance is why I got into tantra. Osho spoke about it. We wouldn’t try to cast off our eyes or our hands or parts of our body that we use every day, so why would you do that? Why would we cast off anger? Why would we cast off our sexuality? We need to accept ourselves in our totality.

That’s really what drew me in because so many other teachings, religions and things like that were teaching us like part of us who we are is not okay. That just doesn’t work for me.

You’re saying that that’s part of shadow work, too, is to not disconnect or disassociate from the shadow side of yourself but to accept all of you in your worst moments as well as your best moments and know that you’re human and not a robot, or not this saint who can only do wonderful, saintly things. I think that something that I personally need to work more on is accepting that shadow side.

Yeah, and that’s huge. We have to love our shadows. Not just accept it but love our shadows, love the parts of us that maybe seem dark and heavy, and we get to work within. If you don’t, again, I say bring them to the table. Invite them to the table with you. They’re going to be over there on that side of the room causing havoc. And that’s not the case.

I enjoy doing shadow work. I love it. Now, I see people going through tons of pain doing shadow work. You can do that. You can have these huge catharses that are painful and it’s like you’re dying, and some people need that. 

Self-love has many meanings to many different people. Therefore, defining it is paramount to creating and maintaining it. Share on X

I had catharsis where I hoped I could cry. It’s not easy for me to cry. If I could cry, if I could scream, if I could have my whole body just let go fully, whether it’s in an experience or a whole retreat or whatever kind of work that I’m doing, I’m super happy about that. I see that as great progress, and I think that’s an important part of this, being able to see that kind of work as progress, as growth, as an important part of the journey.

And I think an important piece of this, too, for us to articulate for our listeners is that we have a body. We are not our bodies. It’s like a body suit that you’re wearing, or it’s like the essence of your soul is infused throughout your body. 

That body you can take to the shower, or go to the gym, or have a delicious meal, or into amazing sexual experience, to not to disconnect or disassociate from your body but also to not identify as only your body because you’re not the body. You have a body. You are not the body. I’m curious to hear your thoughts on that.

Everyone’s body is different, too. What we like to do is compare. We’ve got the media and everything trying to be like, “this is what you should look like.” Remember, in reality, and it’s not going to happen. You’re not going to look like anyone else.

Our body is this vessel we came in as spirit.

We have to be in the space and actually understand that. Our body is this vessel we came in as spirit. I like to think of it like this. We are spirits floating around. We’ve done something amazing, and the grand spirit says to us, good job. Guess what your bonus levels are going to be? You get this amazing gift. We’re going to send you down to earth, and you’re going to get to go into this body. You’re going to experience what we call the five senses.

Imagine that instead of just being a spirit floating around, you’re going to get to feel what it’s like to touch yourself, to touch someone else, to breathe and smell something that has a scent, to see a beautiful sunset, to taste the sweet mangoes. This is going to be your gift, so go play that game. 

And by the way, one more thing. You’re not going to know anything about the moments prior and your spirit life when you’re down on earth in this bonus level. So enjoy it. It’s crazy because we come in as if we’re not all-knowing. We come into this body as just a baby, and we don’t know anything.

A part of the problem is a lot of parents and just people in general, and we go to babies, we go, “goo-goo-gaa-gaa” instead of going up to them and being like, “what can you teach me? You just came in. You might remember some things I don’t know.”

Some people do say they come into this world with memories. They know languages, and they have all these things going on. Why are we all so different in that sense?

Well, babies and toddlers can see angels, many of them.

I think there’s a purity that they have. They used to say in the gratitude training it was like you’re this diamond. What happens is, unfortunately, there’s some dirt, the earth, and all this other stuff gets on it, and you forget that you’re this diamond. But the babies know that they’re diamonds.

And they have that heavenly smell to them, too. That’s another non-random, a non-coincidental sign of our divinity when they come in. Amazing.

Absolutely.

You shared two things that I want to get back. Finish your thought for sure, but I want to make sure we cover all four of those key concepts that you’re teaching in your coaching.

We covered self-love and self-acceptance. There are two more that we want to delve into. So go ahead and complete your thoughts.

I’ll briefly say that we also get to really use our body to its fullest extent. It’s not just knowing that we’re not our body, but also like, “wow. We have this amazing car. We’re going to use it like it’s a Lamborghini. We’re going to use it like it’s an old beat-up chevy that we’re going to come in. Just tread very lightly.”

It’s really up to you. You have to be smart and be healthy, but also you use this body experience, all the pleasure to see, all the things you can see, and listen to all the music you can. Really live fully. What I like to say is I live my life by the way I coach my clients into just following their bliss. So follow your bliss.

The other two pillars of tantra that I like to talk about are his presence. The presence you hear a lot in the spiritual realm, but truly being present, can I enjoy and be in the here and now, and not worrying about the past? Not worrying about the future? All the different things that hold us up from enjoying the moment?

That’s really, again, a really important part about tantra that I love, which is that we can let go of the goals, we can let go of this performance, actually, be in the moment, and just see the signs. And I know you’re really good at this, Stephan, but truly just seeing the signs and letting that guide us. If you’ve gone into someone like three times, okay, maybe there’s something about this person that I should explore.

When I’m in a breathwork session, and all of a sudden, a flashback happens, and it’s like, “oh man, I don’t remember that friend of mine from ninth grade. Maybe I go find him on Facebook, just reach out, and just say, hey, how are you?” I don’t have to plan out what it is. But when signs are shown to me, that could be the movie script that is already laid out for my life that’s so perfect that I could never come up with better than the divine, the universe, or God. So why try to figure it all out myself?

That’s part of being present. If you’re not present, you’re not going to see those signs. You’re going to be worrying about, “oh, I’m just playing this. I’m doing that. I got to get this going. I don’t need to meet this person.” And you’re going to miss all the beauty and all the signs that are already there for you. So that’s the presence, and that one’s self-explanatory but so, so important for tantra.

The last one is connection. Connection isn’t just about connecting with other people. Connection with yourself. Can you be alone and not lonely? Can you truly connect with yourself in different moments in time and wherever you are in the world? And also, can you connect with others?

I’m not just talking about friends and family. I’m talking about really being there with them, letting go over your phone. I sometimes do a kind of morbid exercise. First of all, I do it with myself, like, “what if I was on my deathbed? Would I be proud of all the moments I spent with my life, with what I was doing with my job, and all these things that really keep me close to death?” In a good way. And then also, “what if this person weren’t here tomorrow? Would I be happy with how I just spent my last hour with them?” 

Those kinds of ways of connecting can go really deep for you. But it’s not just that, either. It’s also how we connect with this earth. Aren’t we connected to Pachamama, to mother earth? Are we connected to the grass? Can we just walk around barefoot and feel the energy of the earth? Can I really appreciate it?

It’s mango season here in Florida, and I’m just dumbfounded how this tree just gives me the most delicious fruit every morning. So much so, so much abundance, I’m just like, “please, someone take my mangoes. I have so many.” But to really honor that, rather than like, “oh no. All these mangoes. How annoying. This is such a hassle to deal with.” And to also know that the answers can happen and can be there.

I once did an amazing exercise in a retreat I’ll give to you all. It’s so simple. Ask yourself a question you’re having a problem finding the answer to or finding the truth in. Then just walk around in some place in nature. In this case, we’re at a retreat. We walked around the backyard. You ask a question, and you just look deep into nature.

Self-pleasure is the divine state of enjoyment. Self-pleasure allows you to see what opens up without worrying about a destination or goal. Share on X

I was really struggling with what my purpose was. What am I going to do with my life? And how am I going to do it? I looked, and for the first time, I didn’t know if I ever did this as a kid, but I saw this ant hole. I’m seeing these ants go into the hole and bring out one little granular of sand or dirt or whatever it was, and they go out and just bring it right to the edge. They went up and over and brought it outside so that it wouldn’t fall right back in on them.

I had realized most of my life, and I was taking shortcuts. I was going the easy way out, and just by looking at these ants doing all the hard work, carrying these things that are five times as heavy as their body, whatever it was, and then not just putting it right there but going over. The connections in nature showed me an answer without me having to go do anything more than how go through really tough deep work. It’s right there for you if you choose to look at it.

Did you ever connect with the souls of the trees?

I haven’t specifically done it that way, but tell me.

I learned this last year. Maybe it was two years ago, but maybe it was last year. Tu BiShvat is a Jewish holiday. I didn’t really know anything about it, but last year I was taught by my sister-in-law a bit about that holiday. It’s a celebration of the trees. She told me that trees have souls. So it feels very true to me, you know? 

That thing we discussed earlier about getting your heart and if it feels right, if it feels like your inner knowing is guiding you in the right place so that this is aligned with it, then you’re probably on track. And it feels right to me. It feels true.

It just blows my mind that there are people deriding nature lovers as “tree huggers,” and that’s a derogatory way of referring to them. 

I agree.

Crazy. Hug trees because trees are amazing, and they have souls within. Also, they’re deeply connected to mother earth. As you say, it’s a direct connection. They don’t have that illusion of separation that we do. 

It’s amazing, and Judaism has a whole holiday to celebrate those trees. You get nuts, fruits, berries and things like that to celebrate the holiday. It’s really cute. It was fun.

That’s beautiful. When people ask me because I’ve been all over the world, and I love nature, love going to different places. And I’m a Miami guy, I’m a beach guy, but there’s no more healing place than the redwood forest in California to me. It’s the sun that shines through, intellect, the misty air, the forest, and there’s this foggy steam, and the trees that have been there for hundreds of years, and you’re just like, “who am I?”

You could just sit there asking yourself that question—”who am I?” What have these trees seen? What an amazing experience. And there are all kinds of places in the world where you can have that kind of thing, but to me, the redwood forest is so special.

You brought up another point that made me think of this, what people don’t also understand […] this stressful world. I have lived in Manhattan for nine years, and there’s a lot of chaos going on and a lot of concrete jungle vibes, but there are places you can go and be in the grass. Central Park, for example.

If you feel stressed, go barefoot and stand on the grass.

Wherever you are in the world, if you really feel stressed out—no one tries this, very few people do except the tree-hugging hippies—just actually go barefoot and stand on the grass. There’s something that happens with that.

The root chakra, which is one of the chakras and energy meridians, is the chakra that’s really around safety and security. It’s your foundation. It’s your base. Something a lot of people don’t know is a lot of people would sit cross-legged, they sit up, and that’s what they’re meditating on. They’re on their root, and all their chakras align.

Well, your legs and feet are all extensions of your root chakra. When you go stand out onto the grass, and your feet are firmly planted in that grass, you feel grounded. You feel safe. You feel secure. You are actually absorbing energy and giving energy back to the earth. 

What an amazing way to charge or recharge, or whatever you’re doing, or ground yourself, and then go back to your day. Again, for some, it seems too whacky or whatever, but like everything else, try it out; if it doesn’t work for you, fine. I don’t think it won’t work for you. I don’t think you won’t feel better standing on this grass, on this miracle that grows every day after you cut it once a week and still keeps growing and coming back. So, that kind of way of connecting with nature. It’s there for you. It’s there to provide for you. 

When you look at everything—self-love, self-acceptance, presence, connection—put those quadrants and those pillars into any area of your life, especially the bedroom. That’s where most people have problems.

That’s why a lot of people associate tantra with sex. Tantra isn’t just about sex. It’s a very small sliver of it. But considering it’s probably the only teaching, the only discipline that truly accepts sexuality, that’s why it gets all the headlines. That’s why people equate tantra with sex.

But if you bring self-acceptance, self-love, presence, and connection into the bedroom, think about all the things that will heal. Think about all the problems that will go away. You’ll be able to communicate, and you’ll love your body. You will feel love for yourself, you’ll be connected to your partner, and you’ll be present at the moment.

All the sexual dysfunctions, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation, most of the time when I coach men, I can get them within a week for that to not fully subside or at least be something that they can have more power over. That’s simply from having to be connected and present in the bedroom.

That’s awesome. Some men can do multiple orgasms, not ejaculate, and just do a whole series of them. Can you elaborate a bit on that, how that works, and if you had some successes with some clients getting to that level?

I shy away from making that a goal for people. I’ve had expanded orgasms. I don’t think I’ve ever had something where I felt like it was multiple orgasms. I’ve had what I thought could have been a Kundalini awakening. I don’t know, though. How do you really know if what you’re having is what someone else is having?

I have lower back pain. I have no idea if the back pain I’m walking around with is excruciating to me and would have someone laid out for days, and I just have a lower threshold or higher tolerance for it, or what? I don’t know, exactly. 

I may have had multiple orgasms. It’s just hard to pin it down, which is why I don’t really want to get a goal in that realm, but I do know a lot of people that do. What I try to have people do is just to be able to come into their bodies and come into a present state.

One of the main things I teach is about breathing. What do most people do when they’re about to have an orgasm? Clench up their body, hold their breath, and you’re locking all the energy in place.

The opportunity for you to have an expansive orgasm or multiple orgasms really becomes almost zero. And especially for women who have side work with many women who have never had an orgasm or had only nocturnal orgasms with vibrators, it’s because they need to really surrender. They need to trust. They really need to be in a safe space.

Part of that is actually relaxing the body fully and breathing. You want to breathe that energy up. Once you do that, it opens up all these different pathways. It also tells the body you’re safe. Just fill with the air; you’re safe. You’re not like this, “oh my God, it’s fight or flight.” In that kind of space, anything is possible. 

So that’s really the first step. From there, you could do many other exercises to help expand orgasms or create something in the realm of multiple orgasms.

Nice. Now, can you elaborate on your Kundalini awakening or what you believe might have been a Kundalini awakening? What is that, and how did you come to have that experience?

I was at a retreat. It’s called Quodoushka. Not a lot of people know it. It’s a little infamous because I think the founder said that indigenous tribes created it. I don’t know where it was really created from. All I know is it feels like a mix of native American rituals with tantra and sacred sexuality.

We’re doing medicine wheels. We’re smoking from peace pipes. They do the temazcal, the teepees with the heat, the fire and everything. You’re doing all that kind of stuff, but then you’re also doing sacred sexual work, including work that is all around the what is your genital type. 

They have different types related to different animals, and you can see your personality type based on the type of genitals, but lots of different descriptions around that as well. Really cool work, very interesting stuff.

Your sexuality can provide divine guidance and gives you insight into your life’s direction. Share on X

Again, I’m a try-anything-once kind of guy. We were doing a lot of really cool work there. I get back to my room, I’m in bed alone, and all of a sudden, I just start having these shakes. Then like, “Okay, let me just relax into it.” Then it just felt like this energy was spiraling up around me.

Again, I’m not super, super sensitive to energy. I’m not one of those who would jump out of bed and start screaming whatever, but I felt this surge. Something happened, and it felt great. I really enjoyed it. I’m also not going to put much meaning into it. I’m just going to be here and be grateful that I had this experience.

From that point on, can I say that much shifted from me? I don’t know. I’ve always been very open, very free, and really living in my bliss. But it’s definitely something I’ve never experienced before. Anytime I can have a newer experience that I really enjoy in life, I am grateful, blessed, and super, super happy.

That’s awesome. It was meaningful for you. I’m guessing you’ll never forget that.

Absolutely. I knew exactly where it was, the moment, the feeling, and it’s like questioning it, though. It was the part that got me. Why am I questioning this? Why does it have to be an awakening that someone else has put a name on or whatever? What if it’s just me being my divine self and my body just letting me know that “hey, you’re divine and look what you can feel.” By the way, don’t forget that all the experiences that you had, all these sensations you had, there’s no limit. That’s what I like to tell people.

 Our orgasms that we’ve had, we think that that’s it. The way that we self-pleasure, masturbate, or whatever we’re doing, we think that that’s it. But the second something else comes along, you go, “oh wait a second. I’m limitless. I absolutely can do anything else.”

This is something that I can give all the listeners here. Just a quick tidbit of advice: has the way you’ve pleasured yourself changed at all since maybe you first learned how to do it? Most men masturbate and they just do this. It’s just that thing. Most women are just doing one thing, and maybe now they’re just using a vibrator. That’s just how it’s been for years. In almost everything else in life, we kind of stop and check. At work, we have our end-of-year review. How have you been doing things? This is what we’d like to see. 

I urge everyone to take a moment and just be like, what can I do differently? Could I even just change the lighting in the room, the music and the sounds that I hear, and the candles? Could I add some massage oils to what I’m doing? Could instead of starting to do it this way, can I do it a different way. Can I let go of the vibrator or whatever assistance I have and instead just use my hands and my fingers and just be okay with getting to wherever I get with that experience?

Something like that can open up a huge doorway to everything else. How am I having sex in my life? How do I love in my life? How am I communicating in my life? Get out of the routine and into the truth, which is that you’re a god or goddess, and you can create anything you want in your life.

I think it might have been Jaiya who said this. Maybe somebody else. These patterns that we have—habits—become grooves in the brain. Those grooves become ruts. And those ruts eventually become graves. What you’re saying is mix it up, get outside of your normal patterns, and that’s where you get healthy growth happening. Being stuck in the same rut over and over again eventually becomes grave.

There are many quotes around that stuff that you have to keep loosening in these things. Otherwise, you live your life in a routine. Then you know. 

This is why I do that deathbed experience. Next thing you know, you’re 90, and you’re going, wow. I just spent my entire career working for some company, which, in the end, it didn’t even matter when I retired. It didn’t even matter how I was spending my day. Every hour I was on my computer. I was on this. Am I proud of that? I don’t know. You really have to look at that.

This is a quote I love, similar to what you heard there. “Comfort is not your friend. It comes as a guest remains as your host and stays in your life to enslave you.” 

That is something so powerful to me because a lot of people want to be comfortable in that sense, but when you really think about it, I’m like, “I could watch Netflix every single night of my life, be super comfortable, enjoy it, and have like great,” like I’m escaping it all. I can enjoy that. I might even learn a thing or two. But that’s comfortable.

When I’m really going to learn and grow is when I’m in my deep shadow work or when I go to some retreat all the way across the world, learning about something I never knew about, putting myself in situations that make me go […]. That’s the kind of thing more and more people need to start doing because it’s getting easier and easier to stay comfortable thinking that that’s great and then realizing that it’s the enemy enslaving you.

You mentioned that at this retreat you went to, they had huts with heat. That’s called a sweat lodge, right?

Yes, sweat lodge. I actually wasn’t able to do it at that retreat because there was a drought over there, and there was a fire warning in Italy. It’s actually the countryside of Florence. It was absolutely beautiful.

Have you ever done a sweat lodge?

No. I haven’t done a sweat lodge. I’ve done plenty of other things like that—ayahuasca, bufo, all the plant medicine ceremonies. What I like about this, the idea of a sweat lodge—I haven’t done it, though—is that it’s just you. I really like that. When we add plant medicine, we add any supplements, we can always blame our vision, what you got on something else.

When I do my tantra massage sessions, I require all my clients to be fully sober. Even if you’re a caffeine-hopped-up kind of person, I say no caffeine that morning. I want you in your purest energy so that whatever you feel, whatever you experience, whatever downloads you get, whatever empowerment you feel, you know that it was just from you.

Any experiences that are like that, I think, are great. I’ve nothing against pipe medicine. It’s a gateway to realizing what you can do on your own.

Now, you’ve done ayahuasca, is what you’re saying, right?

One time. I had plenty of more opportunities to do it, and that one time was just mind-blowing and beautiful. I learned everything I needed to learn. It just hasn’t called me again. I really honor myself for that, for really having it be a ceremony and respecting grandmother in that sense.

I think a lot of the people in America are just doing it whenever it comes their way. If that’s the case, then it starts to become more like a drug than just honoring this plant medicine.

I’ve never done it. I’ve not done any drugs at all, ever. But I’ve had experiences that are like psychedelic trips.

You’re like a drug yourself, Stephan. I talk to you sometimes, and I’m just like, wow. You just have these downloads, and you’re seeing things that people might only see or feel or receive when they’re on drugs. That’s a beautiful thing to recognize that and be like, I don’t really need to do anything else because I’m already receiving it all. 

I do think it is important to experience the gateway for some people who don’t have that ability. To see what portal opens up when you’re maybe having an experience like that, whether it’s temazcal or it’s ayahuasca, or whatever it is that calls you. I think that’s the key, that it’s got to call you. And if it’s really calling you and you know you got an intention or something you really are hoping to be seeing, and you’re also okay with it showing you something else.

That’s something that I learned through ayahuasca and the journey that I went on. Don’t try to resist what it’s showing you. You might come here and be like, “I need healing from my breakup. I need to finally get past this.” It may show you something completely different if you resist that and try to get back to it. Good luck. It’s going to be quite a trip.

Don’t try to swim upstream. Just let it carry you wherever it’s taking you.

Absolutely.

When you’re connected to those higher realms, and you’re receiving this kind of information, my understanding is there are more than seven chakras. There’s actually the eighth chakra above your head, above the crown. It may be a foot or two above your head. Do you know anything about that?

I’ve never heard that. I don’t know anything about it. I do know that there are a lot more chakras and nadis. One of the best books on that is called Eastern Body, Western Mind. That book just goes so deep into the chakras, all the different imbalances that can happen, and everything that you can see.

When I do my sessions from reading that book, I can just talk to someone and tell where they may have an imbalance. I don’t need to read the chakras. I can get just out. 

I could tell from my work that many women’s journeys have imbalances in their throat chakra, their sacral chakra almost all the time. That would speak to the generations and centuries of women being marginalized, the patriarchy, and the abuse of women. That would make sense. There have been all kinds of abuse sexually. 

And then also, they’ve been told they can’t speak up. They’ve been killed, murdered, and tortured for speaking up or sharing their magic, the witches, and all that. There was a time when if a woman had a premonition and an understanding, she was a witch. Could you imagine how that would close you up to be like, I’d better not speak?

That is ingrained in almost every woman I speak to. So the work I do with women will help them open that backup, share their truth, share their gifts, and be equally empowered in any circumstance.

That’s amazing. Is that on a one-on-one basis, usually? Or is it more in a retreat or group environment?

I mainly do my tantra massage sessions one-on-one. I also do couples work, but I recommend one-on-one sessions. I make retreats, and I do things like that, but it’s never the same as doing a one-on-one session. 

This is where they fill up an intake form, going really deep into their past. They come over, we do some coaching. I teach them a deeper level of what tantra is. We talk about their boundaries and their desires.

They actually create the container for the session. You could come to me and say, I don’t want to have to take off any of my clothes, and I don’t want to be touched. We could still do a tantra massage session. It will be different. 

People come to me because they want to be able to be in a safe space and have all of their minds, bodies, and spirits addressed.

Other people come to me because they want to be able to be in a safe space and have all of their minds, bodies, and spirit addressed in a way where everything is welcome.

I do this experience where, again, all the boundaries and desires are discussed. Then I also teach breathing exercises when they do some tantra exercises together. And then it’s a massage, but not a typical massage. I use five elements of touch. Everything from what we call “ether touch,” you just hold your hand above someone. That’s more of the energy work. I do water touch, which is very soothing, like a river. All the different types of elements.

I’m also addressing everything going on energetically in their body. I’m moving the energy while they’re breathing, receiving, and knowing that they’re perfect as they are. There’s also typically nude and can include the yoni massage. That really allows the stuck energy in the body, the trauma that could be in the muscle tissue and the fascia, to finally start to loosen up and maybe even leave the body.

In this experience, everything can happen. From emotional releases to psychedelic-type experiences and downloads from the divine. It can be extremely pleasurable when there’s orgasmic energy flying around everywhere. So many different types of releases. 

That’s really what most people need nowadays. They need to stop holding on to everything. Most forms of therapy are going just talk therapy. There’s some somatic therapy. But very few things are going to address all of this, where it’s going to address sexuality, it’s going to address the body, it’s going to address the mind, and we’re going to work into the really deep, spiritual realm.

To me, it’s the most powerful experience you can have if you like to heal or expand and awaken to empower yourself, and I do it in a three-hour session. It’s intense and I really don’t like to do it in anything less than three hours. 

Another thing about tantra is we don’t want to rush things. One of my favorite quotes is, “You can never go too slow with a tantra.” That’s the case, especially when it’s a man. If you want really good guidance on working with a woman, being with a woman, and loving the woman, you can never go too slow.

I don’t want to sound like one of these, “everything in my life is going to be this soft and only loving.” No. I play in the realms of BDSM, and I still have some really wild, fun, throw-her-up-against-the-wall kind of sex. Women want to be ravished, so you don’t want to take that away. 

What you do want to do is be able to start with coming in with a lighter, softer, gentle approach because that will bring safety. The woman has to feel safe again. Men as well, but especially women.

Good stuff. I know we’re out of time. One thing I want to give you props for was your appearance on Jersey Shore as the tantra expert that worked with the group there. What would be a lesson or wisdom bomb, some gold nugget from that whole experience on Jersey Shore?

First of all, that was amazing to be called “the sex expert” by Jersey Shore. It’s kind of like both a cosmic joke and also a really beautiful recognition. I grew up watching that show, and I’m from Jersey originally. For me, it’s just a beautiful cycle back around.

Two things that I learned were very valuable. First of all, I came into that with people like, “oh, they’re going to make you look silly on this reality show.” I came in, and I was like, “no one can make me look silly. I’m going to come on there, and I’m going to do what I do. I’m going to be me, and I don’t care how they try to rewrite the script. They’re not going to be able to rewrite it to make me look like anything but a very powerful sex educator.” And I stuck with that. Trust me. 

When I got to that show, and I saw what was going on, first of all, the whole cast came drunk to my tantra workshop. It was like a love and sex workshop; they were drunk and asking for more drinks once they saw the set-up and what was going to go down. The resistance I was getting.

This guy, Chris, was just challenging me. “What makes you an expert? Why would we all agree? Did we get to do this? I need a double.” I was like, “wow. This is going to be the toughest audience that I’ll ever have.” At no point did I freak out. I just said, “okay. This is what I’m being handed, and this is what I’m going to work with.”

The other fact is no one can knock me off my truth, my foundation, and who I am. That’s having a strong root chakra, by the way. If you have strong root chakra like me, you’re going to be fine in every situation.

The other really important fact was that you could have anyone or everyone come into their hearts. The guy that was the most resistant to me in the episode ended up crying with his wife during an exercise that I did. That guy softened to such a level from being like, “screw this guy, and I’m not doing crap here,” to crying on national TV, letting his heart be seen, showing his emotions, and showing his pain for what was going on in that relationship.

I just find that so beautiful and so important for people to remember. No matter how someone comes out with you, if you see and be only love, that’s what you’ll see coming back.

You don’t see the world the way it is. You see the world the way you are.

Beautiful.

Amazing. Well, thank you so much, Justin. How does our listener get in touch with you and work with you? Where do we send them?

Tantra Love Coach is my whole company, so @tantralovecoach on Instagram is really where I do most of my work and I promote all the events that I’m doing, so feel free to follow me on Instagram @tantralovecoach.

Also, tantralovecoach.com. You can reach out to me there. I’ve got plenty of contact information. If you’d like to do a tantra massage session with me for an individual or a couple, I’m in Miami most of the time, so I have people that visit me there. People also find me all over the place to do sessions. Also, I travel a lot, so get in touch. I’d love to work with you.

Also, stay posted for retreats. I also do virtual coaching. If you like what you heard here, reach out to me. We can set up a call, and I’ll discuss all the details of all my offerings.

Awesome. And you’re legit. You’ve been to Jersey Shore.

That’s right. I made it.

You’re awesome. Well, thank you, Justin. Thank you, listener. We’ll catch you in the next episode. I’m your host, Stephan Spencer, signing off.

Important Links